I Really Liked Her - For Awhile

I Really Liked Her … For Awhile

It’s All Ok … 

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to where I am in my life. What I’m proud of. What I grieve for.

How I got here and … is this where I want to be …. completely?

The answer to that question is no.

“No” because certain patterns of mine – habits – identifiers I sometimes cling to – had brought me back to a place I’ve been before.

And we all know, that all that means is … I still had a few things to learn.  🙂  I’m grateful for the additional opportunity – and plan to use the experience to do all I can to take those footsteps and have them lead me down a completely different path.

And I’m taking those steps now.

I’m not trying to be cryptic or vague.

I am describing the ease in which I can slip back into a very comfortable persona I created for myself – a very hardworking, driven, out-of-balance, self-sacrificing (in pretty much every single sense of the word – and not in a martyred saint-like way … I mean really sacrificing SELF – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) consumed version of myself.

And it ain’t pretty.

I know her … really really well.  And find comfort in BEing her – I do. It’s how it is so easy of course to slip back.  And for awhile I really like her.  For awhile.

Because she is in control – she is.  She is powerful, and strong and contained, and distant, and … well – you get the idea.  And those are very specific characteristics I formed for myself – to protect myself from the parts of the world that scared me.

I’m smiling right now, as I read that back to myself.  Because I am not that scared girl anymore.  But my Self doesn’t know that – unless I keep reminding her.

And I know that I can still be in control (of some pieces), and powerful, and strong, and even contained and distant if I look at those words through a different lens –

They become different words – cousins to the originals. Similar enough to be related … but different enough to … take me down a new path – and that’s a beautiful thing. 🙂

So … what the heck am I trying to say with all of this???

I’m trying to say “It’s OK”.

It’s ok if you are needing to go through an experience multiple times to learn all you are supposed to learn from it – before you can move to the next phase.

It’s ok if you are repeating patterns and habits that are bringing you back to familiar places – because you have just that bit more awareness, a sharper consciousness every time you show up there.

It’s ok if you sometimes … really really like who you are.

And it’s ok – if sometimes – you don’t – knowing that it is the exact right time and space to turn that into an opportunity of new choices that have you deeply in love with your Self again.

It’s ok if you don’t know if you’ve EVER loved your Self that deeply – and are taking the baby steps right here with this incredible community to take you closer each and every day.

It’s OK … to be who you are – exactly where you are – because that is the divine timing of your life.

And it’s ok … to be smiling right now as you are imagining the incredible brilliance that is yours for the taking – because life can be truly delightful!

I just wanted to write to you this beautiful Sunday to say – I am still learning too – and I stumble sometimes, like you – and I sometimes need to repeat a situation, emotion, experience, or interaction a few times to learn the pattern I am meant to interrupt.

And I wanted to write to you – beautiful W3 to make this promise that as I learn – I will make sure I share it. To maybe be your own personal version of a pattern interrupt if that is meant to be.

And it is okit is better than ok!  It is a beautiful Sunday morning – and there is nowhere I would rather be than writing this message to you.

You Are Loved W3,

Christa xo